14 February 2013

Love! Love is the Answer! (Unless You Die First)

Oh, Valentine's Day!


A day of love! Happiness! Candy grams! Money-spending! Exotic exuberance in all things romantic! 

Of course, if you're like me, a person who can't seem to muster romantic feelings for people (screw you, Ofesite, I am not a passionate lover) then today might be just horrible. To make my point across, I give you this couple as my example.

[Enter a guy, let's say his name is MATT, and a girl, let's say her name is LISA.]
MATT: I love you. Forever. You're awesome.
LISA: Oh, honey! Me too! 

Then within a year the relationship will either be:

a) dead, gone, and best forgotten
b) continuing steadily with Matt and Lisa hating each other
c) happily? married/dating/engaged
d) ended in a tragic way

I'm quite sure it'll either be a or d. Two thoughts come to mind when I think of Valentine's Day. No, 3, because of my linguistic heart.

I. "Yet each man kills the thing he loves,
By each let this be heard!
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word.
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!

~Oscar Wilde, The Ballad of Reading Gaol

MATT: Look, honey, look at this awesome sword of words I got!
LISA: No, darling, it's dangerous! Besides, sword and words make the same letters.
MATT: Look- (swing)
LISA: Ah...(dies)
MATT: No!


II. Why do all stories of true love invariably end in despair? Let's take a list, off the top of my head:

a) Romeo and Juliet
b) Dom and Mal (Inception, she went insane)
c) Peter and Olivia (granted, they got together but there were a couple stops in their relationship)
d) Helen and Paris (Trojan War and all)
e) Kate and Jack (Jack died in the finale of LOST)
f) Cleopatra and Marc Anthony (historical romance. then again Cleopatra was quite the seductress)
g) Orpheus and Eurydice (great one. went over it today in Mythology class, of course it was depressing)
h) Tristan and Isolde/Iseult/whatever (I've heard the opera. Tragic.)
i) Cyrano de Bergerac and Roxane (He's just like me. Insecure. She's just...ehh.)
j) Peter Abelard and Heloise 

That last one is quite obscure. I got it from my quotes book while looking for the Oscar Wilde. Heloise was an 18-year old student of Peter Abelard, a medieval scholar in the 1100s. They fell in love even though Abelard was 37. Heloise became pregnant and her father shunned her.

Aberlard was quite respected but unfortunately the scandal (Heloise's father was quite rich) made the church castrate him and kill him. And Heloise lost her baby and was made a nun against her will. The two were buried together but it was still depressing and tragic. And this one was REAL, people. 

Of course, it could go the other way around, where one of the couple feels love towards the other but the other is really just using and abusing. (Think Samson and Delilah.) Anyways, point made...

[Cut to shot of Lisa being buried, Matt killing himself and getting buried next to her]


III. Why is it Valentine's is pronounced "valentime"? This is my attention to detail here, which interests me. I have notebook pages devoted to how people pronounce things. (Yes, call me sad, call me depressing.) And "chocolaty" should NOT be a word. It makes no sense and it sounds ridiculously sad and sadly ridiculous.


The point is made. Just one last thing to point out: it does stimulate the economy! Candy...restaurants being booked...jewelry...there is that to go on. Money for our economy. (I sound so much like a capitalist.) So it's all even-Steven. 

Now, I won't go on, due to lack of time, interest, and happiness. :) So, on a lighter note, I leave you, dear readers, with a "valentime" of my own: music. (I gave up music for Lent yesterday, since it was Ash Wednesday, but I don't see the harm of listening to one song today. :)) So, in true trolling fashion, go to the Weekly Music box and listen to Nights in White Satin. 


To the next! (If you don't die trying to kiss your significant other) Or...

[Scene. Lisa and Matt kiss.]
MATT: Oh, darling...
[Cupid comes out of nowhere.]
LISA: Watch out for that- (impaled by arrow
[Cupid disappears.]


-Rob

1 comment:

  1. I'm going to laugh so hard if you ever get married.

    ReplyDelete