I mean no offense to any Brits when doing this, I just jotted this down in my Moleskine in a moment of boredom. Consider this a small view inside the gears and cogs of my mind. If you're especially British-literate, you might recognise some of the things Richard and Charles say. Some are quotes pulled from books.
Richard: Oh, hello Charlie, pleasure seeing you again, I dare say.
Charles: I've told you not to call me that.
Richard: I'm sorry, Charlie, I can't hear what you're saying. Blasted hearing aid, I dare say.
Charles: Oh, Richard...eating as usual, I see.
Richard: It's a rather cheap dinner, but I must be fed if I do.
Charles: How's your son? I heard he's in deep for that murder.
Richard: I'm quite proud. You know he burned him alive after he stabbed 'im?
Charles: A chip off the old block.
Richard: Indeed, Charlie. But I learned it at Eton, I dare say. Heaven knows where he got it.
Charles: Indeed, indeed. Mind passing me the port?
Richard: You know, I'm starting to wonder something. Mind helping me take my mind off it?
Charles: Of course. What's it?
Richard: I don't remember inviting you to dinner. What are you doing here?
Charles: No idea. I just remember walking in. Good port, this.
Richard: Yes, indeed. I got it from a chap down Tot'ham Court Road. Shilling and sixpence.
Charles: So what was your problem?
Richard: Oh, that was it. Unless you'd hear about the wolves. Dreadful thieves. I've a poison over there, to go and kill them. I'll go out this evening.
Charles: How brave of you.
Richard: Indeed, I thought so too. My servants are excellent at this sort of thing.
Charles: It's rather drafty. Mind if I close the windows?
Richard: No, I'm afraid it's part of our fire-prevention system.
Charles: Oh, genius! How do you come up with these ideas?
Richard: Here, take this candle.
Charles: Won't the draft blow through and set fire?
Richard: Heaven only knows. But that architect chap -- now, what was his name? You know him.
Charles: I do?
Richard: Yes, the chap from Norfolk...you must remember him...He said he went to Mare with you...
Charles: Oh, Jackson! Yes, I remember Jackson. He was always rather bright.
Richard: He is. He has this sensitivity to overhead lights. Shines right up. Pass the port, Charlie.
Charles: He's a perfect Christmas tree, that one. So, what'll happen to your son?
Richard: The usual, I suppose. Sent'ncing, he escapes, he shows up for my money...
Charles: Well, you must pay him, I suppose.
Richard: No, but I send him a Christmas card every year. Pass the port, I said, please Charlie.
Charles: Sorry, Ricky, but this port, it's quite excellent.
Richard: Ricky. That has a nice ring to it.
Charles: Oh, Richard... *sighs*
(the candle tips over and sets the table aflame.)
Charles: Oh dear! Oh, my goodness Richard, no! We need to --
Richard: That's fine. I knew it would happen eventually. Nothing to be done.
Charles: What do you mean? Of course, we --
Richard: I'll go get another table. The castle may take some time.
Charles: You must have a cab! We must leave this place or risk getting burned.
Richard: You go, I'll stay behind. There's this wonderful painting in the gallery down the hall...
Charles: Oh, is there?
Richard: Yes, will you follow me?
Charles: Shame about the port. Good port, that - hic! - was.
Richard: Hello, what's this! (picks up bottle in the corner) AUTHENTIC PORT. Oh dear.
Charles: What's the matter?
Richard: I put the wolves' poison as a doorstop and the port on the table. Oh dear. I thought I did.
Charles: Well, I must say there is something to be said for poison. What type?
Charles: Oh, like that brilliant philosopher. Oh, well done, Ricky.
(The two leave.)
Copyright Robert Miranda, 2013